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Monthly Archives: July 2010

  

One day I decided to clean out my room and I found a little dusty keyboard under my bed, right at the back.
I had lessons when I was about eight and had just forgotten about it. When I found it I smiled,  a feeling of urge filling me to my toes.
I looked at my fingers, grey from the dust bunnies on the keyboard. I got a few wipes, mopped it down and went on Youtube to learn some songs.

When I play, all my emotions just spill out through my fingertips. I speak through the music. I like the way how it’s all natural, how it’s like my fingers are dancing. I don’t have to think at all. It’s like my mind had shut down and my body is controlling itself for once… without need of  any help. I like it.

Occasionally, very rarely often I lie in bed with my eyes open, listening. I listen very carefully, every creek sending shivers through me.

I wait and I wait.

Just after it pasts Midnight my family are fast asleep, dreaming sweet dreams. My mum will be in her double bed alone, as she complains my dad is fat and sends him to the guest room to sleep, although secretly I think that she just wants the bed to herself.
My dad will be in the single bed, he’ll be wearing his going-to-bed shirt which he has worn for over 20 years and refuses to sleep in any other shirt.
My brother is an obsessive computer freak, so he’ll have his headphones and microphone headset on and the world will be far away to him.

I pull a dark coat on over my Topshop superhero patterned pyjama bottoms and I’ll open the front door, putting a finger to my lips when my Golden Retriever tries to lick my leg and failing when she realizes I’m wearing pyjama bottoms. I close the front door behind me, and I’ll walk to the place I like to call my own, lit up only by a small lamp. My mind is emptied by the cold night air whipping into my face, but I like it. I look up, trying to look for the stars through the pollution.
I fail mostly, but I can always find the moon. Bright and staring down at me.

 

It’s amazing what a smile can do.

Next time you’re out smile at a stranger, it might just make their day. I smile at anyone, and almost everytime I recieve a smile back. It’s nice. Sometimes I get some “wtf” looks, but thats okay haha. So, just smile.

Hello, rest of the world. I can see you, hear you – but i’m not apart of you. I’m in my own little glass box.

I’m fifteen, just a child right? I look at everyone in my year, even the year below. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year olds. We should be just enjoying our youth. I see people taking drugs, having sex, that whole mess. Why?

It doesn’t make them cool and it doesn’t make them grown up. It makes them more childish than anyone could possibly be. It makes me so confused, and I want to say to them ‘why are you doing this to yourselves?’ Even though I was born in this generation, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that teenagers are doing these things. It makes me sad that about 70% of my year, year ten have lost their virginity to some-one they don’t care about.

Won’t someone join my glass box with me, and see that this isn’t clever?

Happiness, we all strive for it, live for it, try and find it. For me, it’s the meaning of life.

Little things make me happy in life, sadly some are rather cruel.
Watching people get splashed from cars. Sun. Strawberry ice-cream. Sitting inside on a cold winters day with a mug of hot chocolate, watching people freeze their little toes off outside. Folders, ocd-ily enough.
Doritos, nacho cheese dip and football with my dad, the perfect combination.  Crisp new sheets. Money, naturally. Warm milk and chocolate biscuits. Being proud of yourself. Pink vaseline. Making my family and friends smile. The sea. The feeling of hot grainy sands between my toes. People who make me smile. Being hugged and when you move away, that person won’t let you. Final Fantasy, just because i’m a secret geek. Getting good grades after revising like hell.  Just the feeling of content makes me happy.

One day, perhaps I’ll find some-one who makes me happy 🙂

When I’m feeling down, I listen to Lights – Face up.  It gives me hope.

The times you don’t wanna wake up
‘Cause in your sleep it’s never over when you give up
The sun is always gonna rise up
You need to get up, gotta keep your head up
Look at the people all around you
The way you feel is something everybody goes through
Dark out, but you still gotta light up
You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up

Seems like the more you grow
The more time you spend alone
Before you know it you end up perfectly on your own
The city’s shining bright
But you don’t see the light
How can you concentrate on things that don’t make you feel right?

 

I love going on holiday, it’s like you can invent a new identity for yourself. No-one knows you, you could be anyone. I love the aspect of that, creating someone you’d like to be, and being that person. It’s sort of like freedom, like happiness perhaps. I can kid myself for those few days I am that person, this new identity.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t who I am, maybe that’s why I love it so.

I fear I’ll never find love, which is stupid and naive. But knowing that you are stupid and naive does not cancel out the fear, it doesn’t cancel out the worry and the longing to find it – even though you’re so young.
I’ve heard many a times ‘Once you stop looking for it, you’ll find it’ but I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for it. I want fingers between the spaces of my own, I want a boys warm breath on my cheek whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I want to feel like the only one, and them to be the only one too. I want to feel my heart racing, the rush of blood to my face that I’ll want to hide. I want to be lifted up and him to never want to put me down.

‘I want doesn’t get.’
Too bad really.

 

Can someone please take me away? Somewhere where I can wake up to blue skies, not grey clouds. Somewhere where everything is alive, not dead. Somewhere that I can breathe. I’m sick of this place, and everything it reminds me of.